Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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