I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
