I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
