if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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