what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
