My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
