I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
