I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
