The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
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My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
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When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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