I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
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He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
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Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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