I will die if light touches me.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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