I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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