It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
my being single is dangerous.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
