I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize