Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
