The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
