I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
