I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
