I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
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I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You dont lie about slip and slides
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
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