We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
