I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
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It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
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I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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