I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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