my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
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He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
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It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar