Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?