Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love