I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
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He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
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Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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