i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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