Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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