my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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