Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
