John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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