I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
