Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
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OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
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On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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