I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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