I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
