I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
