I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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