break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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