Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
