Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
