things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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