I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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