When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
