I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
