yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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