Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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