my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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