I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
