I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
