There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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