True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
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People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
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Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.