wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
