There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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