why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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