i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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