Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
