she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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