Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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