My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
