His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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