Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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