If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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