Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
