I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
